Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in Jess' LiveJournal:

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
11:11 pm	For some reason.. (Click here to post your own answers for this meme.) × I miss somebody right now. × I don't watch much TV these days. ✓ I own lots of books.  (Constantly running out of space..) ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (Since I was about 9 or so.) ✓ I love to play video games. × I've tried marijuana. ✓ I've watched porn movies. × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. ✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. ✓ I curse sometimes. × I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.  (I used to..) ( it goes on... ) (Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2005
10:00 am	No time.. I'd like to know: When do people find the time to write stuff in their journals? When !? I've been meaning, since we got back to Europe from our 3 weeks hols in the US this past June, to write some stuff about traveling, what we were up to and so on.. But I just never seem to get around to it. At this rate it'll be so faded as not to be worth writing at all.. I'd also like to write up notes or something about the website I've been fiddling with, to try and attract interest, and get other people to help/come up with ideas, motivate me/us etc etc etc. Maybe I'm just not good at getting thoughts to paper.. (even writing this has taken me 30 mins, getting distracted by other stuff, pondering what I really wanted to say, etc.) I really would like to make notes of things as I go along, but it never seems to work out.. I'd use that time to just do more programming/whatever, instead. Any hints? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
12:19 pm	Just because.. Global Personality Test Results Sensate (70%) high which suggests you are very empathetic, sensitive, and considerate of others. Intellectual (73%) high which suggests you tend to be very internally motivated, self seeking, and independent. Assertive (43%) moderately low which suggests you are timid, indirect, and unable to start and/or follow through on things. Take Free Global Personality Test personality tests by similarminds.com Your consciously preferred type is Intellectual (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 7th, 2003
2:42 pm	Goes wrong.. goes right.. I'd almost forgotten how today started.. Even though it was a strong emotion at the time.. Imagine, I got up, as usual, went downstairs to make tea etc., got to the computer and logged in, just in time to see: [Perlmonks Theorbtwo@PerlMonks is going to be going as well (but may return before morning).] But, annoyingly and frustratingly, not in time to catch him! :(( (Logs will testify as to my reaction.. ) Having got over that, been shopping and various unexciting things, I discovered I needed to scan something.. The fun here being, I have a SCSI scanner, which has been sitting in its box since I last moved over two years ago (currently serving as something to stand a VCR on), and the computer that used to run it now has its bits divided among other ones. After pondering for a while if it was really worth the effort, I tried it anyway: ( Read more... ) Which pretty impressed me.. Technology works, sometimes! (Even more impressive that the spontaneous telnetserver working that I did yesterday, but I won't go into that..) Maybe things are looking up.. Or maybe I just got lucky :) What should I do for an encore.. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Cliff Richard - Ocean deep (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 31st, 2003
11:57 am	Tidying.. I just re-read my last entry, and realised what I want to write now is pretty similar.. Same moods I guess.. Anyways.. I got up at 7.. did some stuff, surfed and whatnot, til 11, and felt a little tired, so I thought I'd just sit on the sofa and read a book (seeing as the bed is occupied..). I never got that far, a look at the table in front of the sofa reminded me I'd thought of getting out my .. whats the word.. paper-building kit (literally, its a cathedral..) stuff again. Which prompted me to actually look for the table under the junk that was on it.. (Catalogs that ran out last year, junk from christmas, rubbish, dust.. ) threw most of that out, put the rest away, now theres only remote controls, a tv magazine and a block of paper on it. (And you can see that lovely blue/gold design again..) Which led me to two thoughts: 1. Why is it always me that tidies? Why?? Why did I stick with a guy for 2 years, who doesn't work, sits around at home all day, and *still* can't be arsed to put things away, hoover, empty/fill the dishwasher etc. I work 40hrs a week, and do all that too. Ok, so he cook(s|ed), big deal.. This isn't supposed to sound like I'm obsessively tidy, I'm not by any means, I like my piles of stuff as much as the next man|woman :) But I do hate moldy stuff in the kitchen, and piles of junk for no reason.. (like its old and should have been thrown out..) And especially people that make mess (wearing shoes in the house..) and refusing to acknowledge that they might help clearing it up.. Hmm, no idea if that makes any sort of sense.. But consider, I take off my shoes and leave them by the door, he doesn't. Ergo all the leaves and such which end up in the kitchen and first floor are not my doing. But who gets to hoover? Right, me. It's not like 5 minutes pushing the hoover around is going to hurt anybody. 1a (sub-thought) - People keep telling me I'm too nice to him. Probably this is true. To which I should probably reply 'then I'm too nice to everybody' - I don't do it because it's him, but because thats my nature. Somehow I can't differeniate, I can't say I'll be nice to A, and not to B, unless I really have a reason to hate B. And since I've not hated anybody (even for a minute or two) since I was.. um.. around 12, that's not going to work. I'm bad at saying 'no', I should more. Still, where has the path of least resistance gotten me? A few experiences richer, and financially down the drain. 2. Which leads me on to point 2. Basically, I'd like to keep some of this stuff my money has gone into buying (that table for instance).. (Yes, yes.. "But I've spent all my savings", "Ah, but you've got a lot of furniture" - right, v. useful!) But, where to put it? I don't think 'settling down' and acquiring 'things' is really my style..(yet, anyway).. My sister suggested that *buying* a house is better than renting (in London maybe it is), but what would I want with a house? (in Munich or wherever) It's difficult enough now to up and leave, although I'd very much like to. .. He'd like to buy it off me, for half the original price.. Half!? Were supposed to pay that in the first place! (Why did I agree? Well, nothing concrete anyway, I can't believe he's gonna be able to pay the rent here...) Nearly a whole month since I was in Lancaster :( - Where the f* did that go? One day at a time I guess.. (And still way too many to go!) Still tired.. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 17th, 2003
9:50 am	Moving.. "Sittin' on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away.. I left my home in Georgia.. " (Otis Reading, I think) It's so still here.. James just went to bed (over there that is, not here, unfortunately), no-one else is around.. I was just sitting on the sofa, looking at all the things here.. Hearing nothing but the computer humming, and the neighbour mowing the lawn.. I just love this time to myself, don't get much of it at all.. (At home that is, going out alone is not quite the same) Anyway, I was looking at all the stuff lying around here, been living here 2 years now, and the place is still only half-finished.. Through lack of money+motivation I guess.. Theres a shelf in the corner thats supposed to be hanging behind my chair, but somehow it never got there (stupid plaster walls..) Was meant for my computer books, which arent exactly light.. There are posters rolled up in the corner which I'd love to hang up, but haven't been allowed to.. (Have 2 in the bedroom and that was it) The table in front of the TV and sofa is full of stuff, cleaning seems never to help, as it just gets full again a day later, so I gave up somewhen. (Mostly because of lack of storage..) I'd keep this place if I could, but its just too expensive.. (Well, with two full salaries maybe.. but Im not chancing that again yet..) I'll take this desk with me, I hope.. (don't ask me how yet..) - probably get a new chair though, this one is too much of a pain (I used to be able to sit with crossed legs under/at this desk, cant with this chair for some reason..) Need to pack all my junk again, *sigh*, and figure out what to do with things there aren't two of.. Well, technically everything here belongs to me, I paid for it.. I don't need the furniture tho, and it fits here.. Hohum, time to go call around and see if I can look at apartments.. (Technical question: The mitwohnzentrale has 'Wohnungen' and 'Apartments' - whats the difference?) Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Silence (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 11th, 2003
10:09 am	Done.. Nothing was as terrifying as I thought it would be, and I've still no idea why.. He's now officially an 'ex', and I'm still living here. The upside to that is not having to rush into moving out, finding a new place etc. pp. The downside is that he keeps making me unsure by constantly telling me the next relationship isn't going to last either, cos it's my nature to just have short ones.. (Fine if that's his way of coping with it, but does he have to drag me down too?) Even if it's true, it doesn't make much sense to start a new one with that thought in mind, cos that will make it more true. (Does that make any sense?) Anyway, on the positive side, my family seem pleased with this change in things, not that they ever said they disliked my ex, but... So lots of good vibes coming from there, making me feel happier too. Just need to figure out how to get together with James now, without messing things up.. Which isn't looking easy.. stupid damn distances.. (4165 miles to be exact, at least according to my GPS) *sigh* *positive thinking* It *will* work! Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Still eighties music.. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
12:40 am	Flying.. 06.05.03 00:40 (EDT) I'm sitting in an airplane waiting for takeoff, after 5 hours of waiting to get on the damn thing (was scheduled for 8pm). So what am I doing here? Flying back to Munich from Philadelphia. I pondered whether to write 'home' there, but I'm not sure where that is currently ("Home is where the heart is", "Whereever I lay my hat, thats my home" - I nearly left it there, fate? I think I left my heart there too, since I'm just feeling pretty empty at the moment). Flight time 7 hours and 10 minutes says he, puttng us in Munich at 2pm, or 7am EDT. (Hmm, I calculated that wrong earlier, sorry love.) Why is the air always cold in these things? Maybe I'll just leave my watch on EDT.. I don't want to leave here, spontaneous staying wasn't really an option though, despite wanting to. I'm much too practical for that, no job, no money,and unfinished business and contracts in Munich. Which I am dreading finishing for various reasons, probably it will do me good to look after myself for a while, not that that makes it any easier at all. I've never done this before. 07:40 Take it easy, take it easy, Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.. We may loose and we may win, but we will never be here again so open up, I'm climbing in Take it easy .. (Eagles) There are 4 toilets and around 200 people on this aircraft, how come they're always all occupied? Why should I dread this? There are enough incompatibilities between us, his possssiveness and my desire to be more free. We both have faults, I tend to take a lack of interaction for granted, and haven't worked at it, instead busying myself online, which does not help. I also gave up talking to him about some things, where I saw a need for change or improvement, he didn't, and responded mostly by avoiding the subject or getting loud, which I hate. (And is one of the things I would have liked to have changed, the excuse being he shouts because his parents don't hear so well, well I do, is it too much to ask?) Because of my background I associate shouting with anger, could I have changed that? What irks me most were his claims at the beginning, that having been married before makes him ideal partner material.. Maybe it does, but only for someone similar to his wife, which I don't appear to be. Also the promise to get rich soon, which has turned into the opposite, through no fault of his own, true.. DrKate says one should use sentences like "I love you but I don't think we're compatible", and not accusations, which I will try, but how will he respond.. (I think she's living in her own little perfect world, to be honest) - likely there will be shouting, to which I will try not to shout back, but will probably cry, that being usual for me. We haven't talked a lot at all, if I think about it, not about our hopes and fears. I tend to avoid it because I break out in tears for no reason, which kind of inhibits conversation. I should get over that. I am not anyones possession, but I need to learn to live together more, otherwise it's just a living side by side. I will try harder this time, it takes effort, there is no way just to hope it will work and do nothing. I guess I wanted all of the fun and security, without the effort. Which worked the first time around, and hasn't this time, why did I leave after 7 years? Boredom? Monotony? ... (I wondered whether to enter this at all, being as a) most people wont have a clue what Im talking about, and b) somethings didnt turn out as expected anyway.. but, what the heck, maybe someone will make sense of it..) Current Mood: awake Current Music: ogg123 -r eighties/*.ogg (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
7:14 am	Just in case.. (or: Lessons in Ettiquette ?) .. someone got the wrong idea.. I'm not against gentlemanly behaviour at all :) One of my friends I used to visit occasionally would always meet me at the train, and offer to carry my bag/rucksack.. Which I think is great. I guess the problem is just that there are right and wrong ways to do it, most of which seem wrong. For example if a woman just hands over her stuff, expecting the man to take it.. well that seems wrong to me, we shouldn't assume he'll take it, and if he's not paying attention it'll probably get dropped to the ground, embarassment all round .) On the other hand, he shouldn't just grab for it, if she's not paying attention, she won't let go, and that looks silly too. There's also no point in him offering if he doesn't really want to.. then it comes out like 'shall I take your bag? .oO( I don't want to but she'll expect me to so .. )' which can be heard in the tone of voice.. So what do to? It's not easy I guess.. These days there are just as many women who will look at a guy strangely if he offers, as there are men who don't.. Which is really a shame.. I don't mind either way, it's nice to know you're being thought of, just not when the attitude is 'I don't want to but I should' or 'I do this for every woman anyway' .. (Which, incidently, is the one I was complaining about recently) .. Like guys marching ahead opening doors, because they've always done it.. thats not really the point (well, in my opinion.. anyone elses may vary..) So, enough rambling.. I#d actually like to hear opinions on this.. So say something! Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Radio Chari-Vari ;) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 21st, 2003
12:13 pm	Relationships.. I don't know what started this train of thought.. Is it better, or worse, to have had many relationships, before you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Is it even possible for everyone to do that? Probably depends on the person, and the circumstances, as always. At least I can't say I regret how I've lived.. How are you supposed to know whats out there, if you don't try out? My motto, decided long ago, is 'Try everything, at least once' .. .oO( Of course with restrictions for stupid things, like jumping off of cliffs without a parachute or other live-saving means ) (Which reminds me, for some reason, that theres one thing I haven't really tried yet, living alone.. I don't particularly want to either.. ) Anyway, I seem to have tried all sorts of different partners.. Though they mostly seem to have started out the same way, I seem to be a sucker for people who are in need of somebody, the stupid thing being that when they don't need me any more, we kind of drift apart.. (Which takes about 6months to a year, depending..) I guess thats probably usually my fault, theres no challenge any more, or the relationship falls into a kind of boring rut. I guess the real challenge of staying together is avoiding this somehow, but how? Someone told me that long-term partners fall in love with each other all over again every few years.. Beats me how that works, it suggests that both need to make an effort though.. I just read an article which had two significant points (at least): 1. The worst thing about falling in love is that it makes us blind at the time, we may notice that the person we are falling for has negative sides, but at the time we don't care. [Later though, these things can be annoying, and we wish we could change our minds..] 2. Because of this (or to counter it, whatever), we're better off with people from similar backgrounds, similar schooling level and similar interests. In the long run this pays off.. It also said that people that have been together a long time (30 years or so) really do get to look similar, because of the experiences they've shared.. Good or bad. Hmm, actually I wanted to say something about my own experiences.. I'm not getting very far am I? I've gone off the idea now somehow.. ;) Maybe just one thing.. I'm not averse to changing or being changed a little myself, but one thing I've found terrible is when my (so called) partner thinks he has the only and best answers to everything, and is stuck in his ways. (Which can be something very simple, like insisting to accompanying me shopping, to carry everything. I _can_ do it myself too, really. Some people might find that strange, but there's a difference between helping, and making me feel like.. I dunno, an invalid or a child or something.. ) Afterthought: Trying everything doesn't mean going off and looking for opportunities to do things, but rather not saying no when one presents itself. Which means I haven't gotten around to trying sex with the same gender yet, or various fetishes.. And probably won't.. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Music, what music? (Whatever is on the TV currently) (Comment on this)
Friday, April 18th, 2003
5:10 pm	Poetry and other things.. I used to write quite a bit of poetry.. In idle moments I wonder, why I stopped. Recently I realised, I didn't actually stop at all, it's just that the lonesome moments in which I used to write lots have become very few. In fact they're mostly confined to the 20 minutes I walk to work and back these days. The problem with that is that if some sort of poem does occur to me on the way, it rarely exists long enough to get written down, walking in through the office door causes a kind of reboot of my brain, preparing it for the rest of the day, and chucking out random thoughts.. It's a shame really.. The time in which I wrote lots was when I was at university. I had a 16 hour week, and plenty of time for other things. (I was online a lot then too, but not always.) I managed to find time to let my feet and mind wander, alone, which is the point.. Alone but never lonely. Or just sit at 'home' (lodgings) on my own and ponder. These days life is much too hectic and full, and goes too fast. I don't know if I'll ever find many of those still moments again, or even if I need to. I'd need time for me, but where, and how, I don't know. Much too busy enjoying other things.. (And working, which of course takes up much to much time..) I'm usually surrounded by other people as well, which seems to dampen my creativity in that area.. So I pour it into programming instead.. Crazy somehow.. programming all day (in theory) at work, coming home and programming again.. But there's a difference, at home I can do what I want, how I want, with no deadlines, and changes of direction if it suits me (which it does, occasionally..) .. Why won't someone pay me to do that, instead? (Though thats probably counter-productive.. as even if it starts out my idea and my code, somewhen there will be some sort of pressure to implement whatever other people want, and then I'm back to square one) A no-win situation.. Ah well, I'll just have to win on other fronts instead.. *wink* (Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2003
1:50 pm	Helpful people.. Someone reads and likes my journal anyway.. And since I'm more or less writing for him, I'll continue. Today with some vaguely related thoughts about my surroundings.. (Note, I'm writing things that I usually think to myself, and then promptly forget about again, which were probably never meant to be written down, much less kept over time..) Provoked by a Begegnung (Begegnung? oops, encounter..) in a shop at the weekend: Why is it that people in city-like areas are less friendly than ones in villages? Ok, the usual reason is because in a village everyone knows everyone (which isn't true anyway), but what sort of reason is that? Don't understand me wrong, the encounter I had was a nice one, after packing my purchases into my Rucksack swinging it onto one arm, the next guy in line automatically held the other strap for me to finish putting it on.. And even said 'its an honour' (Ist Ehrensache?), when I thanked him. But then I live in a part of Munich which is more like a village than a city (luckily) - lots of green... Coming from a (very) small village, I tend to wander around smiling at anyone who happens to look my way on the street, which has gotten me some strange looks, but mostly smiles back. Maybe they all think I'm crazy, but why shouldn't I share if I'm happy? Sometimes I sing to myself too (I can't sing that well, or so some say.. but that doesn't stop me..) Which reminds me, we're getting to the time of year I used to dread, and am still a little apprehensive of.. Strange really.. It's now actually warm enough to go out without a jacket, which means in my case just wearing a t-shirt on my top half, which earns me more stares.. (Could be for any of several reasons) Not that its stopped me wearing what I do :) (And can't change the other reasons, so why be bothered? *shrug*) (I used to dread it at school.. kids are worse I guess) Hmm, I wanted to write more about other encounters, but I've forgotten what, so this will have to do for now :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2003
9:46 am	Ritual.. I wonder how many people like their little rituals? I have a feeling they're something to hold onto, in this otherwise changing and crazy world. Not that they're not changable as well, but in a controlled sort of way. Me, for example. Nights I usually (nothings fixed in stone) go upstairs to bed in my socks, underwear and t-shirt, I take these off and leave them in a heap next to the bedroom door (there being no room for a chair or something to throw them on), and go to bed. Mornings I slide forward to the end of the bed, sit on the corner and put them back on. (The bed is bounded by the wall on two sides, and its quicker to slide to the end than get out the other side, which is further from the door). Then I go down through the sitting room, putting the computer on as I pass it, down through the kitchen, to the bathroom. (Which is in the basement.. yes, it's a house with one room on each floor, and lots of those ,) Then back to the kitchen, to put on water for tea. Until recently, I used to then drink tea and eat breakfast down there, before going to work, I've now taken to drinking tea sitting at the computer, and not eating anything, mostly. (Anyone guess why? ;) I leave around 7:30, which involves putting on my jeans (I rarely wear them sitting around at home), putting a thermos of tea and something for lunch (if I can find anything) into my rucksack, putting on coat and hat and walking 20 minutes to work. More ritual when I get there, put down rucksack next to chair, hang up coat and hat, turn on computer, start the same 5 programs in the same order. (Explorer, PuTTY, Lotus Notes, Opera, Exceed) ... Every single day of the working week, its comforting. Times may vary by 10 minutes either way, I may eat something, or not, but in general its pretty much the same. I can't imagine doing things differently every morning. But, because of this stability, I can imagine other things changing.. I'm not opposed to change, I just like to be able to control it, I guess. Some people say they could just drop everything and move, I couldn't, I'd worry, explaining it away with practical things, like financial stability, finding somewhere to live etc. Probably the real reason is that it would go too fast and throw me completely off track. (I probably have all this from my Mum, who is even more ritual-bound than I am, and very stable as a result :) Hmm, I think I have this set so that only friends can read it, wonder if anyone will at all? Whatever.. And someday I will figure out how to change what it looks like (Why is there no preview for that??) Oh, and the "You're looking at the simple page. For more options, click here." link does not do a thing here.. *shrug* Anyway, time for breakfast... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 27th, 2003
1:57 pm	Watching time.. Ever noticed how slowly time passes when you're waiting for something? I bet you have.. damn slow.. And even slower if you don't know when it's gonna happen.. I'm waiting for the bank to produce a miracle (still!), and for James to get up.. *miss you* (which could be soon, or in 5 hours, going from past experience ;) Anyone got some sort of long-distance buzzer thing that'll work over 4156 miles? - I thought not, shame.. I've just been reading (G)AIM logs from the beginning of March, when we first met/messaged. I can't figure why/how etc., but I'm glad we did. Hmm, maybe I do, 'get an AIM account if you want to chat' - so I did.. .oO( Will he ever write in his Journal again? Write something!) I'm supposed to be writing an ftp/scp thingy in Perl.. So I guess I'll go do some before the boss notices.. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 13th, 2003
9:28 am	Greetings! (In true Joey Boswell style) Since I have a journal, I might as well write something in it (and anythings better than working, which is what I'm supposed to be doing right now..) Working.. thats right, 9-5 (well 8-5 and less on fridays), real work.. Been doing it for nearly 8 years now, you'd think I'd get used to it, but I'd rather play.. :) I just wanted to say "I miss you" to theorb. *curses timezones, and banks, and things in general* I'll get working now, I guess.. (Todays tasks: 1. Start a port of a library from AIX4.3 to AIX5.2, which will hopefully work without major changes.. 2. Babysit a HP-UX 11i install (stuff installed that was compiled for a 11.00, looks like its working though) 3. Look for bugs in a *bleep* SNMP Agent.. ) (1 Comment |Comment on this)